I am starting to feel invisible…

I am jealous of all the people who have jobs today. It seems so unfair that whose of us who were laid off that there is really “nowhere for us to go” – there are no jobs for us to get. It is additionally unfair because now us unemployed will have these huge gaps in our resumes which make us even more unmarketable. All of those people who were lucky to keep their jobs or get one of the very few jobs around right now will still look good when the jobs do come back (although right now, it just seems like there is no end in sight?)

I was watching a show on Hoarders the others and one of the women on the show said that she thinks she hoards and shops because now that she is getting older and isn’t “cute” anymore she thinks she is becoming more invisible. She feels invisible. And after she said that, I realized that is what I feel like. I don’t hoard or have a shopping problems (well, not anymore anyhow – I have no money, no credit cards). I feel invisible because I am getting older and I am definately past my gorgeous and cute phase. I feel invisible because I have no job and the longer I don’t have a job the more useless I feel. I feel invisible because it is often so hard to find people to depend upon – are they ignoring and blowing me off or does nobody see me anymore? Even though I am introverted and reserve and would prefer to blend into the background most of the time I still don’t want to be the invisible woman..and I feel invisible here. My blog feels invisible – no one is reading it. Even though, I am doing it for me so I doesn’t matter if no one reads it, but I thought someone would.

In order to distract myself from my invisible feeling, I daydream alot - I think about the times when people liked me and I was busy and people paid attention to me. I try to think of things to distract me. I have already made up my mind about whether or not I think life really means anything and I know it doesn’t. I mean, what do we do? We worry about money, we work ourselves to the bone to afford things that are mostly temporary. Yeah, good guess, I don’t believe in God – you die and you are dead. We are not special. We are like all the rest of the living creatures on this planet. Most people don’t believe that ant you accidentally stepped is going anywhere (although, I think if there were anywhere to go the ant would be more deserving to go there than any human on this planet).

I would say that 99% of the humans on this planet do not deserve to go anywhere after they die. Whereas, the rest of the living creatures do. This planet would have been better off if we humans would have gone extinct before we invented fire. We have destroyed so many things here because we are trying to keep up with living these pathetic lives that don’t mean anything. Trying to make your life mean something to distract you from the fact that real base of it all is nothing.

Money, death and more frustration

I am not as upset and depressed as I was yesterday but I still feel a bit dreamy – like I want to look out the window and think all day. Unfortuately the pretty tree in the yard is now bald.

So, I am on what I would consider my 4th real career change which is why I am taking that class that I talked about in the last post. Still no response from that girl and I get more pissed as more time passes on. My bf says not to take it personally but how can I not? Unless something happened to this person (which always seems to be my luck so could be possible) why the hell else wouldn’t I get a response? Even if she forgot about it – if she checked her email my email would have reminded her. I can’t help but think I am getting snubbed for some weird reason I don’t know about. But I am not going to babble it  about today – I can’t control  it and right now, I am hoping that I can move on to somewhere else (although, I have no idea where!). And my female intuition tells me that is exactly what I am going to have to do – and most of the time it is right.

Today I had a very lovely meal with a group of friends who I have lot in common with. So far that is the bright spot for the day. But another unreliable person has affected my day – not in a big way at all but still – it gives me even more proof that the majority of the people in the world can’t be relied upon. I wish there was a website where you could look these people up and they could be rated like restaurants on Yelp so if they get a “bad reliability” review you can avoid them so you can avoid being disappointed.  Sort of like with cars.

I have noticed something different about myself since this last year is past – I don’t know maybe it has to do with the fact that I am not happy – have no job (and with the economy who knows when I will get one again), had to declare bankruptcy. I guess I can be grateful that I have a place to stay – I am not homeless or starving – which is good but when you are the sort of person who is used to getting jobs easily something like this is hard to bear for a long period of time. I take comfort in the fact that I know I am not the only one. But the thing that is different about me that I noticed is that I used to be afraid of death – now, I am not. I am sure most of the reason is because I don’t believe in God so I don’t believe that I will be going anywhere – except maybe I could be a ghost – that might be kinda cool. Although I have not actually seen a ghost before – but something tells me they exist and it is possible for them to exist. Maybe it is because life isn’t that great right now that I find myself thinking “Ok, if I died soon, it wouldn’t bother me that much because my life is at a standstill”.  I mean, really is this life really that great – for most people it really isn’t – it is all work and worry, work and worry. I am stuck where I am at – I feel like my independence and freedom has had the pause button pressed and all I can do is sit and wait ..and try.

I feel guilty admitting that part of me is glad I can blame the economy for not having a job. In a “normal” economy, I would have a job. I am very employable.  But I feel the longer I am unemployed the bigger that resume gap gets that the less chances I have at getting a job. It is amazing how I don’t meet many people who are unemployed so I still often feel like it is just me. Where is the rest of the 10%?

I have a lot of time to think – maybe too much time. I kind of like it. I am mostly a daydreamer - well, melancholy. I like to look at my past – my memories – and I cry. Weird because some of the these memories are considered good ones – but what do they call it? Bittersweet? They were so good, they make you sad.

I am sure I am not the only one blogging about the economy and being unemployed and bankruptcy. How the hell did we all get here? I read an article online today about how 10% unemployment is harder now than it was back in 1983 when it last hit 10%. It is funny how most of our problems have a root of money. I, for one, would not mind dismantling the money system – it should be work for trade or we should all be self-sufficient and grow our own food. It honestly seems more balanced. I think many people forget that at one time there were no credit cards, loans, etc. I think we were better off when money didn’t exist. I say burn it all!

Why I am starting this blog

The main reason I am starting this blog is that I no longer have people to tell my thoughts and troubles too. I will writing posts to vent and get my thoughts and feelings out. I want to remain completely anonymous and the places and people and events that I might talk about in my posts I will change the names so they are not recognizable and thereby, not linked to me. Even my user name is a jubbled up real user name that I normally use!

Although, I will give a slight background on me. I am female, in the 30 – 50 age range, unemployed, bankrupt and not happy with my life at most times. This could be many people so I can keep my cover.

My purpose of this blog is for me to have somewhere to come to write down all the crap and makes me upset and frustrates me on a daily basis – so most of it probably won’t be all fun and happy. Some days I will write super long ones because I tend to ramble and I type super fast and others days there will be nothing or something short and it might be boring sometimes and interesting at others.

And yes, before you wonder if I am bitch, I am a nice person the kind you would want as a friend and I used to have a friend to tell all my troubles too (not that she always listened to well because she always wanted to talk about herself instead of listen)- well, what happened you ask? The friend got married and had kids and than decided she couldn’t communicate with her unmarried kidless friends anymore. Well, lets get something straight ex-best friend – I didn’t change, YOU did! Good riddance to you then.

But onto my blog: I feel like I am starting in the middle of a book or something because it is weird to starting writing about things that happen to me when a person that might be reading about it might not understand it all because they don’t know everything about me. But, oh well, I have no choice but to start it this way. I thought the idea of keeping a diary when I was a little girl was weird – I never knew what to write in it so it – or actually more like I was scared the people I wrote about it would find it and read it! Eeek!

So, I will just start with what is bothering me today. I am wondering why people are not dependable or reliable anymore. Right now, a big promise that was made to me is potentially being broken and I can tell you are pissed! Without giving away too many personal details, I am taking an online class and I need to do a certain type of project for it which means my grade is hanging in the balance. So basically, the person who is breaking the promise is has something I need to do my project. I can’t do my project until this person does their part! There is nothing worse than feeling like you have no control over a situation. I can only do so much here and I feel powerless. I hate to have to depend on others to get my crap done. The person breaking the promise is one I am offering something free too (which is the school project) they were really excited about it but I need info from them to start it and I am already behind and now I can’t get in touch with them – it is like I am being blown off or ignored which I hate! I swear, they get a few more days and they lose the free service I offered.  I am going to damned if this person is gonna screw up my grade! Unfortunately, I am way behind on this already (not because of me but because I have to wait on other people) and I don’t know where else I will be able to get this project done.

I, myself am a very reliable and dependable person – the kind of friend who is always there on moving day when the others have flaked out on you. I am having a hard time fathoming how in the high tech world of today where people can communicate from anywhere and our lives should apparently be so much easier and free up more free time – how people still can’t be organized and dependable. If all these modern conveniences are supposed to make our lives easier and less cluttered to apparently give us more time enjoy our “real lives” why so people seem busier than ever? It really is unbelievable to me. Or maybe I am just more highly organized than others but I wonder if other people see this or is it just me?